I fucked up.
Every time I didn’t speak up for myself. Every time what I wanted versus what I did didn’t align.
Every time I cared more about preserving someone’s ego rather than my personal sovereignty.
I let the sisterhood down every time I let a man walk away from a sexual encounter thinking he was King of The World because I was too scared to tell the truth. I washed my hands of it. If I wasn’t in a relationship he wasn’t my problem, right? I started having sex early in my life...too early. But it’s just NOW that I’m discovering what healthy sex dialogue is and why it’s important.
Before I continue: I was never raped. I don’t consider myself a victim. But there was a lot I didn’t know, a lot I have to unlearn, and a lot I wish I knew before I started having sex. Society feeds us this image of what sexy is supposed to look and feel like. We’re supposed to be sexy but maintain our innocence. Experienced but have a low body count. Strong but submissive and able to compensate for whatever Craig is lacking. Be a Godly woman and repress all desires until you found the one, then let loose in marital bliss. Basically, be a unicorn.
Sex involves two people — yes, I’m aware it can involve more if you’re into that sort of thing but for simplicity sake let’s keep it at two — therefore sex should satisfy two people. But what if it’s bad? If it’s just casual sex, are you even allowed to be upset or do you chalk it up as a loss? I hate confrontation. I avoid it like the plague and the bedroom was no exception. I had a hard time speaking up for any number of reasons. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or ruin the mood. What if I was the one that was just hard to please? I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to deal with a potential passive aggressive response. What if it affected the friendship? All of this crap I feared or wanted to avoid came at the expense of myself. It left me feeling unsatisfied and sometimes used. I mean, wasn’t it obvious that he didn’t finish the job? Did he care?
Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But without speaking up, I never found out. I left it in the hands of the next woman to teach him. She could teach him that rubbing a woman’s clit with the same aggression you’d show a wine stain on a white couch probably wasn’t gonna work. If you’re not enjoying sex, the mood is already ruined. So throw that excuse out the window. Speak up. When men pretend to know what they’re doing and women pretend to enjoy it we create a cycle of perpetual shitty sex.
I don’t care how equally we are created: we do not equally enjoy the same things. It’s okay to ask what your partner is into , it’s okay to say what you don’t like. If you can’t #keepgoing long enough to please her then explore other options to satisfy her first. Selfish sex doesn’t serve anyone but you. It’s immature, but guess what we do? We will talk about you afterwards. We will complain in a group text to our closest friends, and when you don’t hear from us again and wonder why, you’ll have no clue that it was related to that one Friday night that only you enjoyed. While body language might give clues, truth is, you have to follow through with verbal communication. Things are misinterpreted all the time. So to the men I’ve lied to: I’m sorry. To the next woman I shoved the problem off to: I’m also sorry.
Now what? How do we fix it? Remove your ego. She’s allowed to have had as many sexual partners in the past as you did. How else do you think she got so good at that little thing you like? Be more concerned with the last time she’s been tested and vice versa. Don’t assume. Ask questions. If you don’t know what you like: FIND OUT. It’s your body and you’re stuck with it for awhile so may as well get to know what makes it tick. Relationship or not, your partner should care about your satisfaction. Everyone doesn’t deserve you. Pick your lovers the same way you pick your fruit. Last but not least, be honest with yourselves and each other. If he made it clear that he wants a #fwb and you catch feelings, you can’t be mad that he didn’t catch them too. Fellas, don’t bait her with relationship-like things if all you want is #fwb. Save all the good morning texts and “thinking of you’s.” Save the dinner dates that suddenly stop after you got all it was you really came for. If you have to trick someone into thinking you want a relationship just to get sex then you’re probably a douchebag.
I love Lauryn Hill. This is a fact. So if you read my last blog, add this quote too: “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard.” With that being said, I vow to never let the sisterhood or myself down again. Speak up. Use your voice. Life is too short to have bad sex.